Enough

As a mother and wife, I often find myself in a frantic state of overwhelmedness. I find it difficult to shut my mind down from the 9 million directions that it's going, and I'm overwhelmed by the weight of every day cares and concerns.  I become easily agitated with the very people I'm working so hard to take care of, making me feel even worse. Lying awake at night still worried about what was not done today, and all that needs to be done tomorrow, and often falling asleep with tears in my eyes because I feel so incompetent in all the areas that need my attention. Running on empty...out of strength, and short on patience.

There are moments in every woman's life where we find ourselves feeling as if one more thing on us would break us.  When we have met ourselves coming and going so many times that we just couldn't possibly handle even one more thing, big or small. Questioning where the strength will come from to take care of everything.

Not long ago, I found myself in a particularly awful state of overwhelmedness.  I have a chronic health condition that frequently inhibits my ability to fully function, often leaving me bedridden. The house gets out of hand, meals are some kind of frozen something, and everything and everyone around me suffers because of it. Once the episode of illness subsides to a point where I am functional, I'm left with being overwhelmed at the aftermath. I feel like a failure. During this time of being overwhelmed, the Lord dealt with my heart about something that needed to be done at church. I went to my Pastor's wife with the idea, and she agreed there was a need, and asked that I take on the project. Immediately I thought "What have I done?", and thus began a new level of overwhelming anxiety that I could not do what needed to be done.  What if I had another round of bed ridden illness, what if the kids needed something extra, what if my husband needed something extra. Everything is already behind and in need of attention.  I was stretched thin, but did not want to let the Lord or my Pastor's wife down.

I cried.  I prayed.  I begged God for relief from the feeling of everything being just too much. I remember praying and letting God know that I just could not handle anything else, that I was already running on empty....unable to find the reserves of strength needed to take on the church project that I had basically created for myself.  I cried. 

"No matter what, Kassi, Jesus comes first." My mom's words from my childhood echoed in my heart and in my head and as I drifted to sleep, I submitted my spirit to taking on what God had given me to do. As was the case most days, I woke with my mind racing, but once I got the husband off to work, and the kids off to school, I sat down, took a deep breath, and took a moment to talk to the Lord.  "God, I want to work for you. I want to care for my family. Most of all, I want to know how I'm going to be able to do this. I'm stretched to the max and adding more. Help me Jesus!"  I sat and wept in wordless prayer, clinging to the presence of the Lord, not wanting to open my eyes and face the things that overwhelmed me. 

In that moment, God spoke to my heart and reminded me of the story of Elijah and the widow woman.

1 Kings 17:10-16King James Version (KJV)

10 So he arose and went to Zarephath. And when he came to the gate of the city, behold, the widow woman was there gathering of sticks: and he called to her, and said, Fetch me, I pray thee, a little water in a vessel, that I may drink.

11 And as she was going to fetch it, he called to her, and said, Bring me, I pray thee, a morsel of bread in thine hand.

12 And she said, As the Lord thy God liveth, I have not a cake, but an handful of meal in a barrel, and a little oil in a cruse: and, behold, I am gathering two sticks, that I may go in and dress it for me and my son, that we may eat it, and die.

13 And Elijah said unto her, Fear not; go and do as thou hast said: but make me thereof a little cake first, and bring it unto me, and after make for thee and for thy son.

14 For thus saith the Lord God of Israel, The barrel of meal shall not waste, neither shall the cruse of oil fail, until the day that the Lord sendeth rain upon the earth.

15 And she went and did according to the saying of Elijah: and she, and he, and her house, did eat many days.

16 And the barrel of meal wasted not, neither did the cruse of oil fail, according to the word of the Lord, which he spake by Elijah.

The Lord reminded me that just as he provided oil and meal for the widow, that he would provide strength for me, and every time I needed to pull from my reserves, there would ALWAYS be enough. 

The peace that fell over me in that moment was so precious.  Overwhelmed with the cares of life, yet still, there is strength. I am so thankful that God always gives me enough to do what must be done. What a gracious Heavenly Father He is!