Enough

As a mother and wife, I often find myself in a frantic state of overwhelmedness. I find it difficult to shut my mind down from the 9 million directions that it's going, and I'm overwhelmed by the weight of every day cares and concerns.  I become easily agitated with the very people I'm working so hard to take care of, making me feel even worse. Lying awake at night still worried about what was not done today, and all that needs to be done tomorrow, and often falling asleep with tears in my eyes because I feel so incompetent in all the areas that need my attention. Running on empty...out of strength, and short on patience.

There are moments in every woman's life where we find ourselves feeling as if one more thing on us would break us.  When we have met ourselves coming and going so many times that we just couldn't possibly handle even one more thing, big or small. Questioning where the strength will come from to take care of everything.

Not long ago, I found myself in a particularly awful state of overwhelmedness.  I have a chronic health condition that frequently inhibits my ability to fully function, often leaving me bedridden. The house gets out of hand, meals are some kind of frozen something, and everything and everyone around me suffers because of it. Once the episode of illness subsides to a point where I am functional, I'm left with being overwhelmed at the aftermath. I feel like a failure. During this time of being overwhelmed, the Lord dealt with my heart about something that needed to be done at church. I went to my Pastor's wife with the idea, and she agreed there was a need, and asked that I take on the project. Immediately I thought "What have I done?", and thus began a new level of overwhelming anxiety that I could not do what needed to be done.  What if I had another round of bed ridden illness, what if the kids needed something extra, what if my husband needed something extra. Everything is already behind and in need of attention.  I was stretched thin, but did not want to let the Lord or my Pastor's wife down.

I cried.  I prayed.  I begged God for relief from the feeling of everything being just too much. I remember praying and letting God know that I just could not handle anything else, that I was already running on empty....unable to find the reserves of strength needed to take on the church project that I had basically created for myself.  I cried. 

"No matter what, Kassi, Jesus comes first." My mom's words from my childhood echoed in my heart and in my head and as I drifted to sleep, I submitted my spirit to taking on what God had given me to do. As was the case most days, I woke with my mind racing, but once I got the husband off to work, and the kids off to school, I sat down, took a deep breath, and took a moment to talk to the Lord.  "God, I want to work for you. I want to care for my family. Most of all, I want to know how I'm going to be able to do this. I'm stretched to the max and adding more. Help me Jesus!"  I sat and wept in wordless prayer, clinging to the presence of the Lord, not wanting to open my eyes and face the things that overwhelmed me. 

In that moment, God spoke to my heart and reminded me of the story of Elijah and the widow woman.

1 Kings 17:10-16King James Version (KJV)

10 So he arose and went to Zarephath. And when he came to the gate of the city, behold, the widow woman was there gathering of sticks: and he called to her, and said, Fetch me, I pray thee, a little water in a vessel, that I may drink.

11 And as she was going to fetch it, he called to her, and said, Bring me, I pray thee, a morsel of bread in thine hand.

12 And she said, As the Lord thy God liveth, I have not a cake, but an handful of meal in a barrel, and a little oil in a cruse: and, behold, I am gathering two sticks, that I may go in and dress it for me and my son, that we may eat it, and die.

13 And Elijah said unto her, Fear not; go and do as thou hast said: but make me thereof a little cake first, and bring it unto me, and after make for thee and for thy son.

14 For thus saith the Lord God of Israel, The barrel of meal shall not waste, neither shall the cruse of oil fail, until the day that the Lord sendeth rain upon the earth.

15 And she went and did according to the saying of Elijah: and she, and he, and her house, did eat many days.

16 And the barrel of meal wasted not, neither did the cruse of oil fail, according to the word of the Lord, which he spake by Elijah.

The Lord reminded me that just as he provided oil and meal for the widow, that he would provide strength for me, and every time I needed to pull from my reserves, there would ALWAYS be enough. 

The peace that fell over me in that moment was so precious.  Overwhelmed with the cares of life, yet still, there is strength. I am so thankful that God always gives me enough to do what must be done. What a gracious Heavenly Father He is! 

It's a Wash

Laundry.  The never ending chore of every household that I know of. Just when I think "I am just about all caught up on MOUNT LAUNDRY, the kids clean their rooms, baths are taken, dishes are done, the husband is home from work and suddenly, the mountain builds again. I promise you, once it took me such a long time to reach the bottom of the laundry, that my son had outgrown several things before I even got a chance to wash them. In all fairness though, he is growing like a weed, with ADHD, on a sugar high, and hyper-caffeination. So...yeah, he is growing fast.

My least favorite thing as a woman is hearing my children or my husband ask where something that belongs to them is. My daughter is a lover of her things...she loves certain items of clothing and wants to wear that  particular thing at the precise moment she wants to wear it. The problem is, she will wear it for a half hour and it goes in the wash. Our washing machine is THE slowest washing machine of ALL time EVER. It sometimes takes me a bit to get through the laundry, so there is a BIG possibility that she may be ready for that piece of clothing before it is washed. That is when I hear "Mommy, where is my blah blah blah with the blah blah and the blah on it?"  The shock that flashes on her little face when I have to tell her, "I have no idea.  Probably somewhere in the wash.", is absolutely amazing to me. Since when is it MY place to know where everything is at all times? My husband's favorite phrases to use are, "I don't know where anything is ever.", and "If it's useful, it's gone."  Though both are pretty much true....ARGH....are they infuriating when I am expected to be the source of knowledge as to where all things are at all times, ALWAYS.

Many times, the cares of life seem to pile up on mom's as well. We let so many things become our responsibility, that we need "baskets" to organize the mountain of stuff.  The problem that happens to me is that, like the laundry, new things are piled on daily, and just when I think I have it under control, the mountain has grown again.

One thing I have learned from "Mount Laundry" at my house is that no matter how many  loads I wash in a day, there will be more tomorrow. Why am I in charge of the stuff?  Because that is my Biblical role as wife and mother - Keeper of the Home! Just as with the Laundry, problems and issues may pile up, even if we sort and organize the mountain, but eventually, every woman knows there comes that day when you know you are just about on top of the mountain.  The same is true in life....though we may have to do some laundry every day, and conquer life problems daily, eventually, it all comes out in the wash.

Flexibility

In marriage, I have learned that compromise and flexibility are key to keeping a home in harmony. I have also learned over the past 11 years with my husband, that at times, we are both a bit stubborn and set in our ways. Compromise sometimes feels like defeat, and flexibility sounds like a dirty word.

Working with each other to find an amicable solution that fits the life your building together is far from defeat. Sure, there will be long, hard discussions, and heads may bump along the way, but compromise and flexibility and willingness to see views other than your own make life worth living.  What you thought of as good, in the realm of flexibility will become great.  Life is full of twists and turns, and sometimes it's the unexpected things that try our souls, but bless our lives forever.

Yelly McYellerpants

So my fellow mommies, have you ever had a day where no matter how sweetly, lovingly, yet firmly you ask your children to do something, they seem to look right through you?  You know, those moments when those faces are blank and looking at you as if you couldn't possibly be speaking to them? That kind of day? If we are willing to admit it, we all have those days, more often than we'd like to.

  When I had kids, since I waited so long for them, and prayed so hard to have them, I told myself, I don't want to be like "THAT" screamy mommy in the Wal Mart or the grocery store yelling at little Jimmy or little Susie at the top of her lungs...threatening their little lives if they don't settle down.  "Oh my...I will NEVER yell at MY kids that way...EVER!".  I honestly felt that way.  I was mortified when I heard women yelling at their kids.

Fast forward to now.  I have beautiful 8 year old daughter, and an adorable 6 year old son. These children are my world! They are so different from one another, and the ways in which I interact with them to achieve cooperation is greatly varied.  My little girl is a highly intelligent, strong willed, and an independent problem solver. No matter what I ask her to do, she generally offers her opinion as to how she thinks it should be done, or tries to negotiate into doing things her way.  This doesn't bode well with the parental units who just want their children to do as they are told.  Though my sweet girl rarely received a booty whoopin' when she was little, lately, she is playing catch up. Her defiance pushes me to my limits and I get pretty fired up when she is deliberately argumentative.  The boy....ah, the boy....my son is the epitome of all that a little brother is supposed to be.  If I had a dollar for every time I had to utter some strange sentence like "Stop licking your sister's arm!" or, "Do not open the shower door and pee on your sister while she is bathing!", I would be a rich woman.  He is my handful.  He is always getting in trouble, always tormenting his sister, always doing strange things, and always keeping me on edge.

  Through all of the day to day irritation, I try to keep "my chill", but there is always at least one moment during the week where the daughter is screeching something in a voice so whiney and high pitched that dogs everywhere are in agony, and the boy is into something that deserves yet another whoopin', and that is when I go from upset mommy to Yelly McYellerpants.  It's at that point I have flashbacks to before I was a mommy and all the judgemental things I thought of the mommies in the store and I feel terrible for the times I judged mommies without knowing the full story.

The truth is, none of us want to be Yelly McYellerpants, but even the most chilled out mommy in the world has a breaking point. Let's support each other, and encourage one another!  Next time you see a Yelly McYellerpants at a store, don't judge the mom, but wonder what those little boogers Jimmy and Susie did to push her past her chill zone....

Short Order Cook

At the risk of making myself sound really old here, there are some things that go on now that never, ever would have happened "back in my day", as the old folks often say. The older I get, the more accurate that phrase seems to become.  Before I sat down to write this, I searched my soul.  I thought long and hard to see if my heart was in the right place.  Am I just a mommy who is fed up with picky eaters?  Am I getting lazy in my "old age"?  Do I have a legitimate reason to bring this subject up?  Am I the ONLY mommy dealing with this nonsense?  Well...the truth is, I am hearing more and more mommies on the same boat as me.  We have been relegated to short order cook for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for each member of our family, making meal planning, grocery shopping, and cooking a much larger, more tedious chore than it should be.

When I was a child, family meal time was a time of joy.  We shared our day, stories, jokes, hopes, dreams, and lots of laughs.  What I don't remember though, is any of us eating anything other than the one meal my mother prepared for us.  Like it or not, it's what's for dinner.  There was something on the table that you liked, even if you didn't like it all, but no one got a special meal made just for them. How did we get away from this tradition?  More importantly, how did I get away from it? 

Looking back, I think of how my short order cook mentality started. First, it was the husband. After my first marriage where I lived under the cloud of mental, emotional, and verbal abuse came to an end, God has blessed me with my wonderful second husband.  God has brought me a very long way from the mess the first hubby left, but I still battle, at times, the fear that I am not good enough.  Because of that, there is an intense desire in me to make sure my current husband is happy, always...no matter what.  When we first got married, every meal was cooked with his preferences in mind. I loved making him happy, and I didn't even care if the foods weren't my favorites, as I grew up eating whatever was fixed....no biggie! Then we added our beautiful daughter.  She was so tiny...and picky...and we were so worried about her not gaining enough weight.  Suddenly, I found myself not just cooking to please the hubby, but now I was cooking whatever my baby girl would eat as well just because she NEEDED to eat. 

Now it is me, my husband, my daughter, and finally our little boy.  He is a laid back little guy and he was pretty much be happy with anything until about a year ago when he realized "if sissy can get something different, why can't I", and suddenly he became a bit more picky with his choices. So that left me cooking the main meal for my husband and I, sometimes the boy would eat with us, but other times he wouldn't, and then I would have to find something to fix for my kids to eat, and generally, neither of them wanted the same thing either. By the time I fixed my husband's plate, and fixed the meals for the kids, my food was lukewarm at best, but mostly cold and in need of a run through the microwave.

It just hit me the other night as I stood by the microwave heating my dinner, that I cooked a nice meal for my family, all while feeling very bad from a migraine, and I should not have to eat cold, reheated food because they simply don't want what I fixed.  I created this monster now I must destroy it. I am taking back my family time for dinner, and like it or not, you eat what I make, or you just don't eat. That is how I grew up, and I didn't starve.  The short order cook has been fired. There is one special of the day and that is it!

Women's Day???

Well, once again, I am in my own little world, just taking care of my daily life, and missing out on National Women's Day.  Apparently a large number of women took part in  "A Day Without Women", where they didn't participate in their jobs and such as a demonstration of how important women are.  I missed it.....because I was busy being wife and a mommy, and doing all the things I do every day.
  I'm beginning to wonder in this time of bold political statements, and large-scale point proving, if we, as women have forgotten the little eyes and ears that would be guided by our behavior.  What does it say to our daughters about "empowering women" by skipping out on our responsibilities?  What does it say to our sons when it appears women loathe men? What does it say to our spouses who went to work and didn't demand "A Day Without Man"?  I understand the concept, but really, what does it accomplish? I am of the opinion that our daughters and sons learn more about our worth as women when they see all we do for our families.  If we stop, even for a day, we may lose our footing...and every mother knows exactly what I'm talking about.
  As for me and my house, it was business as usual, because everyone in my house knows, a day without mommy is a day of chaos indeed! My most recent two-day flu bug was demonstration enough for them.

Remake Double Take

My baby girl and I have been looking forward to the live action Disney remake of Beauty and the Beast since they announced it was coming.  As a fluffy gal, I always loved the theme of the story: Looking past the outward appearance to see the beauty within.  My daughter and I have been planning an IMAX experience! That is when Disney dropped a bit of news that I wasn't quite prepared for.  I know that the live action movies have some changes made to update stories, but when the story broke that Gaston's comic side-kick, Lafue, has been re-written to be openly gay, I just wasn't prepared.

I am a Christian, and I believe what God's Word says about homosexuality.  I am NOT one of those Christians who yells my disapproval and condemnation.  My place is not that of judge. I believe in ALL of the Bible, including loving everyone, and I teach my children the same.

I shared that to say this:  I will NOT be taking my daughter to see this movie we have been anticipating. Not just because they changed the movie to include a gay character.  I'm not living in a bubble and I realize that my children will encounter LGBT people in our world, and I will teach them to love them, but I do not have to give my money to see a movie that I have been forewarned will promote a gay character.  You see, in life, we have no choice who we encounter, but when I have a choice, I will choose to avoid supporting things that are contrary to God's Word.

I am not against the LGBT community, and I still love everyone, but I can love without agreeing with people.  In this case, my disagreement with Disney to sneak agendas in the face of my kids means they don't get my money on this one.  That is my take on this one.